The worst days of motherhood

The last couple of days have been my worst days of motherhood ever. I am SO glad today is 'back to normal'.

It started with late Sunday night and major back pain. Since my last Epidural my back has been horrible. I get crabby and whiny when I can't do anything. Rob and I put the bear down at normal time and I headed to bed. I got to sleep from 9:30 (missing the last part of my favorite show) to 11:30pm when the bear woke up. Rob jumped up and took care of him. He slept for 25 minutes and was up again. Rob took care of him again. Finally we were all down and asleep. Brandon woke up at 1:15am. I went to get him since Rob had to work early. This started the night (or should I say few hours) of horribleness (if that is a word). Brandon was up every 15-30 minutes. Finally at 2:45 I turned off all the monitors. I turned our tv and fan on high so I couldn 't hear him and I tried to get to sleep. I tossed and turned as I could still hear him screaming. Finally at 4:35am I went in there....storming mad as I was crossing the hall. I opened his door and through very hard gritted teeth I yelled, "LAY DOWN". I didn't expect it to come out so harsh or so loud. I just snapped. Brandon jumped because it scared him so much. I laid him down and covered him up. I walked out the room where Allie decided to trip me. I wacked my back against the door frame, grabbed the back of her neck and threw her down the hall. I was on crisis mode. I finally got up, got some shoes on and told Rob I was leaving. I needed to calm down and get out of this house. Rob took Brandon as he was still screaming and I left. I drove around for about 30 minutes before I returned to the house. Both were still awake. Rob finally got Brandon down and then came to talk to me. I, of course, was in tears. He asked what was going on and I said I am SO MAD with my back pain and Brandon screaming all night long I snapped. I was feeling miserable at that time as all I could see was Brandon's freaked out face that mommy was upset with him. Rob was up for the day as he had to be to work early. He settled me into bed with some pain help (which never helps- I hate my drs. right now). I fell asleep at 5:30 or so only to hear Brandon at 5;55am! I took a couple of seconds to get my act together, tell God I was upset and had NO idea how I was going to make it through the day, and pump myself up for pain and a crabby baby. I tried to get him back down but he wouldn't have it. So we were up for the day. We had a rough day as all bear wanted to do was stick his fingers in light sockets and try and pull every dvd off our shelf. I kept getting more and more angry. My only out was texting Rob how I was feeling to get it off my chest. He wasn't able to text me back but we did our best. He finally went down for morning nap after I rocked him for 45 minutes which is NOT normal. He only slept for 25 minutes. I slept for 20 of that. I was glad I was able to sleep a bit. It did help. We were both a bit happier with each other. The afternoon nap was a bit better at an hour. Rob was home by 2:30pm from work (AMEN). He took over and sent me to bed. I didn't want to sleep because I also had pool therapy in a bit. Of course work called over and over so I couldn't sleep. Finally I left for pool therapy still discouraged from the pain. I spent 45 minutes in the pool and my Physical therapist gave me some new ways to work my back. When I was done I was still sore but it felt good to move my back. I got home to Rob finishing supper I had started and both boys running to give me a hug and yell "MOMMYS HOME". That made me feel good. I lasted until 7:30 and headed to bed. Rob's goal was to wait on me hand and foot last night. I didn't help by trying to clean part of the kitchen. He got a bit upset that I tried to do that. He really wanted me to sit and do nothing. I got to sleep at midnight or so (cat napping before that). Rob said Brandon woke up at 1am (I didn't even hear him). He then slept until 7am this morning when I got up with him. We both are having a MUCH better day.

I am still fighting with the guilt of being so angry. I don't know how to be a good mom when I have a bulging disc that is causing so much pain. I need to figure out what works best. My PT also thought the pain meant another annular tear or more of a tear on the one I already had. I see the pain specialist this week.

I know Brandon and I will have arguments and not see eye to eye on everything. I know I will probably have to be firm with him more than once and I am sure he will be unhappy with me. It just breaks my heart to know that I was the one that scared him and cause him fear. Moms are supposed to take that away not cause it. Moms are supposed to be able to keep it all together all the time. I do think if I wouldn't have been in such horrid pain things wouldn't have been so bad. The pain is a stabbing knife pain at the L4 and L5 where the bulge is. Then it feels like back labor in my muscles (or like my back just walked 500 miles and finally got to sit down. You know how it feels on your feet when you are on them all day- that is what the pain in my muscles feel like).

Anyway, I have to get over it and be the best mom I can be for bear today. I am just glad it is much better.