On my mind...but mostly on my heart...

I have to confess something that has been on my mind but mostly tugging at my heart almost 24/7 the last few weeks....and being back in a hospital for work and seeing 3 families being discharged with their new bundle of joy...only tops those thoughts even more.

I am DYING DYING DYING to have another baby. I have done research and searches about when a good time is and what is a good age gap between the two. I have been praying about it. I have been running our financial numbers. I have been planning the car situation. I have been journaling Brandons sleep patterns (we need him to sleep through the night before we have another one). I have an appointment with a physical therapist tomorrow and I will discuss with them what a pregnancy would do to my back. They have me on a strict PT schedule because people with a tear like mine can easily add another tear or tear the current one further. I have an apt with my OB to also talk about it. Typically Drs. say to wait 18 months to allow your cervix to heal a bit and because I did hemorrage and significantly tear when I delivered Brandon I want to get a medical opinion about having another. I also have some precancerous cells that we need to worry about and get an opinion about as well- not for the babies sake but for my sake for a safe pregnancy for me and post baby health.

Rob is ready and willing any time. I am trying to be the practical one...and logical one. My head is over analyzing every minute, dollar, muscle, moment. My heart is crying to become a mommy of two. I wonder if it is fair for Brandon...I don't want to 'jip' him out of our love and attention. I wonder if Rob and I have enough love for two children. I do hear moms worrying about that but when the baby comes it is amazing how much love there is to give. Maria and I were talking about it on our business trip and she just pushes me more. She says I could never just have one..or even two. I have to agree with her. I can see us having 3 or 4.

I think I will pray about it a bit more...stop thinking about planning for each step. No matter what...we will have more and the time will eventually come.