Single Dad

Yes, you may need to re-read the title of this post. Yes, I did write "Single Dad".

Rob is becoming a single dad and I am more than okay with that. Actually, I am thankful for that.

To clear up the 'elephant in the room' I will explain further.
NO- we are not getting divorced.
NO- we are not separating.
NO- we don't have the perfect marriage and we have had our share of really rough times. However, NO I am not going anywhere- per say. Everything about Rob becoming a single dad revolves around me and my back.

For starters; I have degenerative disc disease in my lumbar spine. This has caused the disc to bulge and now within the past few weeks has dehydrated. Think of a grape drying up into a raisin. Your discs are mostly water and fluid and they show up white on an MRI. Mine shows up pitch black. We also just learned that I have one extra vertebrae in my back as well which has caused some issues in my treatment the past 6 months in what disc and what vertebrae. Along with the disc bulge and becoming dehydrated I have a annular tear that has continued to tear in the past few months- even through my treatment. Because of all this stuff going on in my lower back a mass has started to form and needs to be fixed.

After undergoing treatment for 7 months now I have found a new neurosurgeon who decided there is nothing more I can do but to go ahead with surgery. I will be having a level 1 (might become a level 2 depending on an upcoming MRI and CT scan) spinal fusion surgery on Friday, June 5th. My neurosurgeon wants me to stay in the hospital for a minimum of 5 days. Once I go home I will be in bed for another few weeks and hopefully able to walk to the end of the driveway in a few weeks post surgery. It is a VERY painful surgery and a long recovery. I will have to wear a brace for almost 9 months after the surgery. The surgery also requires a bone graph which they will take bone from my hip to help repair my back. My hip will also be in pain for up to 3 months. They will be inserting a pain pump which will help with the pain but it will be a very painful few months.

I have to be honest. I am VERY SCARED. I have been freaking out- waking up in tears in the middle of the night, having nightmares and lots of anxiety over the issue. I am scared of the pain, the hospital stay, moving, even going to the bathroom. I am also scared of the house, the cats, paying bills, medications, recovering, Rob and Brandon.

Because of this massive surgery, Rob will become a single dad. I will not be able to lift Brandon for at least 9 months after the surgery. Rob will be responsible for every aspect of our home. There is no "can you watch Brandon so I can take a shower" or "You get Brandon in his high chair and I will get his lunch." or "Can you get up with him in the middle of the night?" or "He is getting into the toilet...stop him." Rob will have to do it all. We usually do things well as a team and it works great. I won't be able to get out of bed. Not only will Rob have to be a single dad to Brandon but I will need round the clock care as well. Asking for help is the MOST difficult thing for both of us. I am worried that I will try and do too much too soon or not follow Dr.s orders. I am worried that Rob will get burnt out and also have a hard time asking for help. We will be taking it one day at a time.

As for Brandon, he obviously doesn't know this is coming. Due to my last discogram (where they placed needles into my disc to see which disc and which areas are the most painful- IT WAS A MILLION TIMES WORSE THAN CHILDBIRTH) I have been in more pain. Because I can only do so much in a day I take lots of breaks. The most painful is sitting and standing so I am in our bedroom often lying down. Brandon and Rob have built a huge bond together the past few days and it will only get stronger. I am worried about Brandon and him not understanding why mommy can't pick him up or why mommy is always in bed or why mommy can't even bend over to kiss me. This is what I am most scared of and what hurts me the most. Give me the needles, the bone graphs, the rods and screws in my spine....but me not being able to lift my son or hug him or kiss his little head goodnight is what will hurt the most. I guess I am most scared for the emotional part of this surgery and how to try and be mommy. I am preparing my best but it will hit me like a ton of bricks when he walks over to me and lifts his arms and wants me to pick him up.

Like I said, I have started distancing myself from Brandon and Rob already. Tonight I took Brandon too visit my mom and my sister and it was very hard. The 2 hours I was gone with him were very painful and rough. As I pulled in the driveway Rob came out to get Brandon and I headed to bed. That was all I could do for one day.

I will do my best to post my journey and share what I can (and willing to). You can only prepare so much...