Just a thought....

We have lots of Christmas updating to do. We have lots of photos and stories to tell. However, they will wait one more day.

Tonight Brandon and I are supposed to be in North Dakota with my family. Our flight was to leave early this morning. However at 5am neither Brandon nor I had slept yet. Brandon managed to catch what I thought was a simple cold the last few days. So, I had to make a tough tough tough tough tough decision. I really wanted to get to ND and see my grandmother. She is hanging in there the best she can...and most likely won't have too many visits with Brandon. I wanted to share that moment with my son. I wanted to take tons of photos of Brandons first airplane ride. I was very excited to go. However, I had to make a tough decision to sadly disappoint the family and stay home. It was 5am and I called my family to let them know we couldn't go. I knew they were not too happy with me and I hate that feeling but I had to be a mother. I had to do what was best for Brandon and at 4am when he was struggling to breathe and even had some blue lips and a high temp my gut kicked in and I knew it wouldn't be safe for him to go. I managed to get some sleep from about 6am to 7:15. Rob had to work early this morning and I was with Brandon. I tried to get him to eat or drink but he wouldn't take it. I wasn't feeling okay with the whole situation so I took his temp and it was over 103. I decided to take him to the hospital. No urgent care was open.

After a lengthy day- we were able to return home with some bad ears, medications, and some fluids in him. His temp managed to climb almost to 105. They had to run some tests and xrays to rule out a few things. It was scary but I knew as a mother I had to keep it together. Rob had to stay at work since the other department head took an evening shift-he needed to be there. I needed to keep it together for Rob and for the dr.s and nurses and most of all for Brandon. I HATE when he is sick. I wanted to take it all away from him. It goes back to that post a few months ago when he had a cold. I do everything I can for him- but he is the one that has to learn how to breathe through his mouth and eventually will learn how to blow his own nose. It is SO hard just to see him struggle and struggle and struggle just to get a few hours of sleep. He managed to sleep off and on throughout the day- which is good. He is in bed now and resting well. He fell asleep in his crib on his own. We have the vaporizer on high and it is working well.

Today I felt more like a mom than any other day since his birth. I think it is because I could tell and I knew he just wanted his mom. All I was was a shoulder for his weary head yet that is the best feeling in the world. I had an hours worth of sleep. I wasn't mad about it or angry or even frustrated. If I had to stay awake all night sitting in the rocking chair in my son's room just so he can breathe and sleep for a little bit-then so be it. I would do it every night if I had to. I guess that is true motherly love. There is nothing greater when his little head finds the perfect nook in your neck or on your chest to sleep. OR when he is on the floor playing and starts crying and I walk by and he lifts his arms to be picked up....it is those simple signals that he wants his mommy. I have never felt better.

As I wonder how things are in ND and wonder how my own grandmother is doing and really missing some nummy dumplings I have peace wrap around me knowing I made the right decision. My decision to put Brandon first was supported by the drs. and nurses we saw today. He could have easily gotten worse on the plane or in ND. That isn't fair to Brandon. He needs to be home when he isn't well. He needs to work on getting better. I am sad that we couldn't go but comforted knowing I made the right choice as a mother.

Honestly Rob was going to miss us when we were going to be gone...and not looking forward to being away from his son for 3 days but when I mentioned I made the decision I wasn't going at 5am- he was shocked. He tried to work something out and see if we can see a Dr. in Bismarck or find a way to still go and still care for Brandon. I finally got a bit bucky with him and firmly stated I am sticking to my decision to do what is best for my son.

That is motherly love.

On another note.........many of you know I am doing a large Moms Expo. It was mentioned on KARE 11 this morning. The proceeds will benefit a mom in need and this year we are supporting Amy Taylor- a young mom about my age that is fighting breast cancer.

Sadly, Amy took her last earthly breath at 7:30 this morning. She was at Methodist hospital on the hospice unit. She got to spend her last few days with her family- husband, daughter, son and other members of her family. The last couple of days she slipped further and further in and out of lucidness.

I found out this afternoon of Amy's passing. I only got to meet Amy through one email we exchanged a few months. However, she has taught me more about being a mother than I could have ever imagined. It has been weighing HEAVILY on my heart today. Isabella is 4 and Arbor is 2. Their mother is gone. Warren has sadly added the title of 'widow' to his name. Before I became a mother I would have thought about how sad it is....now it is a life changing situation for me. All day today I have been thinking about Amy, Warren, Isabella, and Arbor. I keep thinking "What if that was me?" I keep thinking....how would Rob and Brandon do? Even in the simple daily things....getting the mail, making dinner, visiting family, going to bed, cleaning the house. I can't imagine Brandon growing up with no mommy. I have made this Expo a personal commitment of mine. It isn't a business...even a simple non-profit business of helping a mom in need....it is VERY personal for me- even though I never knew or even met Amy. NOTHING will bring Amy back. NO ONE or NO THING can replace Amy...but on Jan. 10th we will come together as mothers and we will let them know there are thousands of us that are willing to be their moms. We will let them know we love them, support them, care about them! We will not replace Amy...but we will stay mothers....and take Isabella and Arbor under our wings through prayer and encouragement, through monetary donations and messages and any other way they need us.

Even though they may not be our 'children' we still have motherly love for Arbor and Isabella.

I can honestly say....Amy is my hero. She is my strength when I am tired and exhausted. I will do my best to live my life as a woman, wife, and mom the way she did. Even though she is no longer with us- I look up to Amy and I always will.