Thankful....

After writing about how Brandon is being fussy and crabby (mostly because he is sick) I read another moms blog and fear crept inside me.

MckMamma (www.mycharmingkids.net) has 4 kids and her youngest is just a few weeks old. When she was pregnant with him she was told he had a significant heart defect and possibly wouldn't live outside the womb. Stellan (her baby boy) proved all the doctors wrong and is a healthy baby boy....until the last few days. Her blog (mycharmingkids.net) explains the horror and fear of RSV (which was ruled out with Brandon). Stellan is VERY sick and they are praying for his life right now. He is border line needing to be intubated and pretty much on a vent. Not only is he a strong boy....she is ONE strong Momma! He is in the PICU and will be there for 7 to 10 days they think. You can read her blog to learn more. Just think...if that was us!!!!

I can't imagine going through what she has experienced. Thank GOD Brandon is healthy and didn't have RSV or any other significant breathing issue. We are blessed! Tonight as I drift off to sleep I will most likely think of Stellan and MckMamma....and how she is such a strong mom! God Bless Them Both!

Brandon Update

I just finished uploading some holiday photos from the past couple of weeks. I thought I would throw in an update as to how our little bug is doing.

He was more fussy today and crabby.....as we all were in our own way. Brandon was up a LOT last night. He slept from 9pm to almost midnight. Then he was up for an hour or so with dad. Dad tried everything to get him back to sleep. Eventually he made it! Only to last a whole 45 minutes and he was up again at 1:45. I got up with him this time and again nothing worked. We were up until about 3am. Finally he fell asleep next to me in bed. (Dad usually sleeps on the couch and I have the bed because of my bad back- I have to lay in an L position and it is tough...someday we will be a normal married couple and sleep in the same bed. He also gets better sleep when I am not tossing so much because of my back). Brandon finally slept from 3am to 6am. Dad got him at 6 and I finally got some sleep. He took his morning nap at 9:30 and did sleep for an hour. So did Dad and I! Once Brandon was up-we were all up. We ate lunch together and dad went to work. Brandon didn't eat. He fussed. Nothing would make him happy today and once I took his temp I knew he was still feeling crummy. It is a low temp- which is good.

Brandon only slept for 20 minutes so I decided it was time to bundle up and go for a drive...so we did and he slept another 20 minutes. He didn't sleep the rest of the day.

We tried sweet potato (an actual sweet potato) for dinner and he didn't like it. I think it is the texture. He doesn't like mandarian oranges or sometimes bananas either- it is that same texture.

HE DID CHEERIOES for the first time today! Most of them ended up on the floor or attached to his butt in the high chair.

I am exhausted today. Brandon just wanted attention and to be held all day. I couldn't even pee without him fussing over me not being there. Oh well....what us mothers wouldn't do for our kids.

Hopefully he will start feeling better soon.

Meeting Santa

We met Santa on Christmas Eve- Once we got paged for our appointment we only had to stand in line for less than 10 minutes. Daddy kept Brandon laughing. Then we introduced them to Santa...and he did really well!

Christmas Eve Lunch

On Christmas Eve we went to Ridgedale to see Santa. We arrived at 10ish and our Santa time was at 1:15pm. UHHH!!! I didn't think it was the end of the world if he didn't get to see Santa but we had nothing better to do until that evening. SO...we stayed. We ate at Applebees and walked the mall. The beginning of the day didn't start too well. B. was crabby, I was crabby, and I think Dad was a bit crabby too....we just weren't meshing too well. Brandon didn't want to eat, then he needed a diaper change and a clothing change, yadda, yadda, yadda...but we got some cute photos of our lunch (which for Brandon became a bottle).

Decorating Cookies

A few weeks ago Brandon helped decorate cookies. The photos say it all!!!

Singing and Dancing Holiday Characters

Brandon is a sucker for the dancing and singing holiday characters. Grandma had to push them all. He just watched as they all sang and danced and one even scared him a little.

Visit to moms work

Here is B. playing on the floor in my office...and then there is my desk. Just too funny!

Please...no more nose boogies....

We are hanging in there tonight.

Brandon is doing better. I think the meds have kicked in. He was fussy throughout the day- more than usual.

He woke early and we ate breakfast...I ate...he didn't. Dad had to work today.

At 10am is his morning nap. He went right down and fell asleep. Once he woke up he played and was doing well. I got ready and decided we needed to get out of the house for at least an hour. I decided to hit the thrift stores (my favorite places). I found one pair of jam-jams for a buck. Brandon dozed off and on. However, I didn't like how he was looking. He was white as a ghost and his eyes are sunken in and red. He was very lethargic. He wasn't fussy as long as we kept moving and grooving. We got home and ate lunch...he ate and ate and ate. I was SO happy. He had a zwibeck toast and got it all over him so I gave him a bath which he loves. After his bath we both napped. I really wanted to cuddle with him in my bed but I knew I had to stick to his crib. I laid him down and he started crying. I left for a while...but something felt wrong. I went back in and picked him up (something I try NOT to do). He rested his head on my shoulder and we rocked. I soaked in the moment. I sat there thinking about making this a memory I won't forget. I just etched the feeling of his sleepy body laying on mine and how his crying meant he just wanted mommy and some love. He fell asleep and I put him back in his crib.

I decided to nap as well. I crawled into bed and missed Brandon. Even though he is in the next room- I miss him terribly. For some odd reason the last couple days with him being sick I just want to be with him all the time. I have to work hard at letting Dad have his turn too and not over-stepping my mommy boundaries. I just feel like these last couple of days we have made a stronger connection and bond. My sweet sweet boy!

Dad came home from work and we ran to Sams Club! We grabbed our 'last dinner out' as we are going to set a goal for Jan. to not eat out at all...no dinners out, no fast food, no Caribou. So tonight we celebrated our last night out! We got home and Brandon went down around 9ish. He woke up a bit ago and was wide awake. I was so proud of myself that I kept my butt in bed and let dad handle it. He is now resting in his crib and doing well. We can tell he really likes his room and crib and getting more and more comfortable with it.

As for a back update....because Brandon was sick I cancelled my Friday apt. with the neurosurgeon. This was fine because I shouldn't have had that apt in the first place they said. The RN said I need to wait another 2 weeks for a follow up with her. When I asked why she said that sometimes the steroid injections take that long to kick in. Odd? However, I can tell there has been some change in the back pain. There are times when I lift something and I can feel the pain but for the most part it has gone down significantly. Thank Goodness! This means I won't have to do surgery. If the pain comes back (most likely it won't- statistics show many patients only need one ESI to get relief) I can always go in for another ESI. They aren't too bad. It is a few seconds of pain when the needle hits the nerve in your spinal region. I will go back to the neurosurgeon in a few weeks. I still have pain meds and muscle relaxors. I have become dependent on those at night when the pain hits the worst. I have decided to start weening off of the meds now that the ESI is working. I only take the meds at night to help take pain away and help me sleep so we will see how weening off of them works. I am VERY happy though that I won't need the surgery. When she first mentioned we needed to try the shot first I almost laughed in her face. I have heard this story over and over- shots don't help. When she asked at my last apt. what route I would take I just started crying and said I just want to do ONE thing a day where I don't think about my back. If my sister wants to go to the movies- I can't go if my back is bad. If I have to drive a lot that day...my back will be hard. If I have cleaning to do or sometimes just getting dressed can be painful. I almost wanted to just tell her to do the surgery so I can get relief. I am glad the ESI worked. I guess since it isn't just another cortizone shot or pain type of shot it works better. Now I won't have to do the surgery- which is good. A icky hospital stay, bone graph, and in a brace for about 9 months is no fun. I will take the shot!

Time to try and get some sleep.

Slept okay

Brandon is doing well this morning. He went to bed at about 8pm and slept until mid-night. We were both still awake so I took care of him and put him back in his crib. He went back to sleep right away. He did great in his crib last night. He woke again at 4am and I brought him into bed with me. He again went right back to sleep and woke up around 8am. He didn't eat anything for breakfast though but did have a bottle at least. It is now about 10:30 and he is taking his morning nap. He goes down well for it- in his crib.

The times he woke up last night he just needed a cuddle. I rocked him and held him and let him rest his weary head on my shoulder. Even though it is the middle of the night- these are my most sacred moments with him. I LOVE these moments with him. Sometimes I am too sleepy to keep my own eyes open but I wouldn't change these moments for a full nights sleep for anything.

We'll see how he does throughout the day.

Just a thought....

We have lots of Christmas updating to do. We have lots of photos and stories to tell. However, they will wait one more day.

Tonight Brandon and I are supposed to be in North Dakota with my family. Our flight was to leave early this morning. However at 5am neither Brandon nor I had slept yet. Brandon managed to catch what I thought was a simple cold the last few days. So, I had to make a tough tough tough tough tough decision. I really wanted to get to ND and see my grandmother. She is hanging in there the best she can...and most likely won't have too many visits with Brandon. I wanted to share that moment with my son. I wanted to take tons of photos of Brandons first airplane ride. I was very excited to go. However, I had to make a tough decision to sadly disappoint the family and stay home. It was 5am and I called my family to let them know we couldn't go. I knew they were not too happy with me and I hate that feeling but I had to be a mother. I had to do what was best for Brandon and at 4am when he was struggling to breathe and even had some blue lips and a high temp my gut kicked in and I knew it wouldn't be safe for him to go. I managed to get some sleep from about 6am to 7:15. Rob had to work early this morning and I was with Brandon. I tried to get him to eat or drink but he wouldn't take it. I wasn't feeling okay with the whole situation so I took his temp and it was over 103. I decided to take him to the hospital. No urgent care was open.

After a lengthy day- we were able to return home with some bad ears, medications, and some fluids in him. His temp managed to climb almost to 105. They had to run some tests and xrays to rule out a few things. It was scary but I knew as a mother I had to keep it together. Rob had to stay at work since the other department head took an evening shift-he needed to be there. I needed to keep it together for Rob and for the dr.s and nurses and most of all for Brandon. I HATE when he is sick. I wanted to take it all away from him. It goes back to that post a few months ago when he had a cold. I do everything I can for him- but he is the one that has to learn how to breathe through his mouth and eventually will learn how to blow his own nose. It is SO hard just to see him struggle and struggle and struggle just to get a few hours of sleep. He managed to sleep off and on throughout the day- which is good. He is in bed now and resting well. He fell asleep in his crib on his own. We have the vaporizer on high and it is working well.

Today I felt more like a mom than any other day since his birth. I think it is because I could tell and I knew he just wanted his mom. All I was was a shoulder for his weary head yet that is the best feeling in the world. I had an hours worth of sleep. I wasn't mad about it or angry or even frustrated. If I had to stay awake all night sitting in the rocking chair in my son's room just so he can breathe and sleep for a little bit-then so be it. I would do it every night if I had to. I guess that is true motherly love. There is nothing greater when his little head finds the perfect nook in your neck or on your chest to sleep. OR when he is on the floor playing and starts crying and I walk by and he lifts his arms to be picked up....it is those simple signals that he wants his mommy. I have never felt better.

As I wonder how things are in ND and wonder how my own grandmother is doing and really missing some nummy dumplings I have peace wrap around me knowing I made the right decision. My decision to put Brandon first was supported by the drs. and nurses we saw today. He could have easily gotten worse on the plane or in ND. That isn't fair to Brandon. He needs to be home when he isn't well. He needs to work on getting better. I am sad that we couldn't go but comforted knowing I made the right choice as a mother.

Honestly Rob was going to miss us when we were going to be gone...and not looking forward to being away from his son for 3 days but when I mentioned I made the decision I wasn't going at 5am- he was shocked. He tried to work something out and see if we can see a Dr. in Bismarck or find a way to still go and still care for Brandon. I finally got a bit bucky with him and firmly stated I am sticking to my decision to do what is best for my son.

That is motherly love.

On another note.........many of you know I am doing a large Moms Expo. It was mentioned on KARE 11 this morning. The proceeds will benefit a mom in need and this year we are supporting Amy Taylor- a young mom about my age that is fighting breast cancer.

Sadly, Amy took her last earthly breath at 7:30 this morning. She was at Methodist hospital on the hospice unit. She got to spend her last few days with her family- husband, daughter, son and other members of her family. The last couple of days she slipped further and further in and out of lucidness.

I found out this afternoon of Amy's passing. I only got to meet Amy through one email we exchanged a few months. However, she has taught me more about being a mother than I could have ever imagined. It has been weighing HEAVILY on my heart today. Isabella is 4 and Arbor is 2. Their mother is gone. Warren has sadly added the title of 'widow' to his name. Before I became a mother I would have thought about how sad it is....now it is a life changing situation for me. All day today I have been thinking about Amy, Warren, Isabella, and Arbor. I keep thinking "What if that was me?" I keep thinking....how would Rob and Brandon do? Even in the simple daily things....getting the mail, making dinner, visiting family, going to bed, cleaning the house. I can't imagine Brandon growing up with no mommy. I have made this Expo a personal commitment of mine. It isn't a business...even a simple non-profit business of helping a mom in need....it is VERY personal for me- even though I never knew or even met Amy. NOTHING will bring Amy back. NO ONE or NO THING can replace Amy...but on Jan. 10th we will come together as mothers and we will let them know there are thousands of us that are willing to be their moms. We will let them know we love them, support them, care about them! We will not replace Amy...but we will stay mothers....and take Isabella and Arbor under our wings through prayer and encouragement, through monetary donations and messages and any other way they need us.

Even though they may not be our 'children' we still have motherly love for Arbor and Isabella.

I can honestly say....Amy is my hero. She is my strength when I am tired and exhausted. I will do my best to live my life as a woman, wife, and mom the way she did. Even though she is no longer with us- I look up to Amy and I always will.

Some photos

CUTEST BOY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mommy is happy- the camera is working again. Brandon just thinks it's a toy.

I know I have a few things to post. My camera is charging again to get some photos on here...just a few things...

As you can see the Moms Expo is coming along. I will post on here when I will be on Kare 11 and possibly other stations. I talked to a few places today and channel 4 and 5 were interested in doing a story. They are taking it to the reporters and producers and we will hear more soon. I am doing Local Channel 12 on Jan. 5th.

A friend of mine just arrived home from over seas with their first child. Dave and Rachel have been trying for a long time to have a child and sadly it was not God's plan for them. They adopted Ezekiel. You can read their journey- click the link to the right. I used to work with Rachel at Sunrise.

Brandon is doing GREAT at sleeping in his crib. We have been horrible parents about this. Tonight is night number 3 of him falling asleep on his own in his crib. He will most likely stay there until 1 or 2 am and then wake up. He doesn't sleep through the night- but we will take this much. He has been wanting to sleep on his tummy lately...oh well. I did great with him tonight. Rob is working a later shift. I picked him up from daycare. We came home and I promised myself I would make a list of items I needed to get done AND spend fun time with Brandon. I got to both. I did my items while he would play for a few minutes- then I would play with him- then he would chew on some puffys and I would do one more thing real quick. He took a bath and I cleaned the bathroom a bit while he was in the tub. Then I played with him. It is now almost 9 and I have already been in bed for close to an hour. I had to take my pain meds and muscle relaxors so it becomes bed time.

I have to admit I am sad tonight. Tubby has a new home and they are coming to get her tomorrow. It is a bit tough since I have never really had a pet of my own and she was the one I picked out, the one I cared for, and my girl. She doesn't go near Rob or Brandon (except under his highchair to catch any fallen puffs). She will only cuddle with me. She doesn't do it all the time but my favorite memory is when I was pregnant and getting near the end (okay the last 4 months) I would go to bed early and watch tv or a movie. She would always know the routine... sit next to me in the bathroom while I washed my face and brushed my teeth. She knew to wait until my 6 pillows were lined up and then she would hop up and join me in bed. It was like she was taking care of me. She knew I was tired and just wanted to be my friend. Her new family comes tomorrow to take her home. I think it will be a great fit. They are a great family- 2 girls- ages 10 and 11 and I think they will give her lots of love and attention- more than I could ever give. So tonight I will cuddle with her one last night and love her up. I will cry and be sad but I know she will be well cared for.

Love you Tubby,
Mom

My Moms Expo

Back Pain...Next

I haven't written in a while due to the state of pain and craziness I have been in. I have been staying at my moms for a few days to have a total and restful break. Sure, Rob does well taking care of me and Brandon at the same time but it was one of those moments when I just needed a couple of days away. When I am resting at home in my bedroom and Rob is in the living room taking care of Brandon you can't help but want to go help Rob when Brandon is throwing a fit. I am not one to stay down when I need to...hence a horrible back situation.

I am now back home- trying to rest but it is hard. Rob accompanied me on Friday to the neurosurgeon. We are going to try a ESI (Epidural Steroid Injection) into the nerve on my spine. It wasn't painful- just odd. It isn't working either. I am still in SO MUCH PAIN!!!!! I go back to her on Friday and we will decide if we should do surgery. The surgery is major. I will be in the hospital for possibly a week. They need to put some screws and plates into my spine and chip some bone away from my pelvis almost. It is very painful and I will most likely be in a brace for 6-9 months. The thought of surgery scares me and I don't want that route. However, I can't live a life with pain meds every day and having to be in bed with my legs elevated and heating pad on to keep the pain down. I can't do this forever.

Brandon is doing well. I will upload some photos and put them on here soon.

PS- we are getting rid of Tubby. Any takers?

Back Pain Diagnosis

Good Afternoon,

The main reason I sat down at this computer today was to view my MRI results. Not like I am a radiologist or anything- but I wanted to see what they look like.

The results were somewhat good (it is something bad which is okay- so I don't think I am totally crazy for being is such pain. I hate nothing worse than when doctors can't find what is wrong with you and you start thinking you are crazy).

The results are not good: To put it in english terms: I have bulging discs in my L4 and L5. This also includes degenerative disc disease in these locations. There is also a significant tear in this area as well. Attached in this location is a mass that we are unsure of what it can be and what stage it is in.

My next step is a visit to a neurosurgeon so we can decide how to proceed. Most likely a surgery and possibly some other treatments. I see the surgeon on Friday morning and we will decide the plan of action.

Good Morning-

I have some things to post but Rob gave me an early Christmas gift of a wonderful cold. So not only am I still somewhat immobile with my bad back I am struggling to breathe with a stinkin' cold. As much as a bed sounds wonderful right now- work sounds better. I get mad when I am at home in bed because I can't get comfortable and I won't get too much sleep.

ICK!

More later!

Popsicle or No?

Brandon and Mom had a picnic on the kitchen floor. Brandon got a orange popsicle and mom got a fudgesicle. However, Brandon got frustrated with his popsicle because it was so cold. He couldn't hold it. BUT when mom offered to hold it for him he got mad too because he wanted to be a big boy and do it himself.

And here he is getting mad at the whole issue.


So mom decides to share hers and he loves it! Yes, I know he shouldn't have chocolate until he is at least a year old but a few licks won't kill the kid.
















After all is said and done he was very happy with a very messy face.

Some random photos

Brandon loves playing with the magnets and fridge radio! Mom has to stop every now and then and put them all back on the fridge because he pulls them all off.

Sunday, December 14th Part 2

Brandon and I left C.A.N. and Uncle G's house early due to the weather. It wasn't bad....but we left at a good time.

We got home and played, did some laundry (ok lots of laundry) and cleaning. Then we decided to eat. Brandon does great in his highchair. He had some puffs and then sweet potatoes (this is why he looks orange in many photos). For dessert momma decided to let Brandon feed himself with the bowl and spoon with a little bit of Peach Cobbler dessert. Here's the story in photos....

Notice it ends in with the bowl on the floor- broken too!



MOTHERLY LOVE...is not thinking about the mess and clean up when you let your baby feed himself.

MOTHERLY LOVE...is applauding and praising your child when it's 'all gone' when really he is wearing it.

MOTHERLY LOVE...is letting your furry babies get a treat once the human baby throws the bowl on the floor.

MOTHERLY LOVE...is laughing hysterically during the whole learning period!

MOTHERLY LOVE...is enduring the smell when baby has a dirty diaper but you still want him to start learning to feed himself...you know he is having fun.
































After the mess it was time for a bath. Brandon LOVES baths. The mouth being open all the time is Brandon talking or screeching (his new learn)




MOTHERLY LOVE...is spending ten bucks so he can take a bath in an inflatable ducky. We could have managed without but it has been one of our BEST BUYS ever! I HIGHLY recommend the big ducky.











MOTHERLY LOVE...is pushing the ducks beak so you can hear it quack...Brandon could care less.

MOTHERLY LOVE...is being excited to make your first mohawk on your baby's head. How can I be prouder? He has more hair lately. Just look!

MOTHERLY LOVE...is giving your little baby the biggest, fluffiest towel there it- even though he is upteen times smaller than you or your husband...be he needs the biggest, fluffier towel!

MOTHERLY LOVE...is picking up a wet baby and wrapping him into a burrito. This gets you soaked but it doesn't matter.

MOTHERLY LOVE...is brushing your boys hair even though there really isn't much to brush.

MOTHERLY LOVE...is all in the baby massage after the bath.

MOTHERLY LOVE...is not having clean socks or underwear tomorrow to wear, but you still pick to do the babies laundry first.

MOTHERLY LOVE...is being crabby staying up late to finish the laundry and being exhausted after 11 loads but then you see your husband sleeping with your baby and knowing you would do hundreds of loads for them and stay up as late as it takes.


That, my friends, was our weekend! As I say to bear..."ALL DONE!"

Sunday, December 14th Part 1

Today we let daddy sleep in a bit before he headed to work. Brandon and I had some breakfast, a nap after breakfast (he is a good morning napper) and then got dressed. We went to meet C.A.N. (Crazy Auntie Nickey) and Uncle Garret for lunch. We also had to drop of the home lap top that mommy spilled coffee on it so Uncle Garret could fix it. We had some lunch at Don Pablo's and then C.A.N and mom and B. went to buy a couple of weeks worth of baby food! Nummy! We stopped back at the Berge house and then left because of the weather. At CAN and Uncle G's house we played with Cousin Hudson (OH- Brandon also has a new cousin...Uncle RyRy and Auntie Elena got a super cute puppy- Jackson- photos maybe to come later if I can get them). We took some pictures and played patty cake with CAN.

Hudson stealing Brandon's toy- Brandon is good at sharing already.

We were finally able to get one of him doing patty cake!

MOTHERLY LOVE...is spilling food all over because you have to keep your plate a rather large distance away so the baby doesn't get it.

MOTHERLY LOVE...is knowing you could drive home in snow, freezing rain, and in bad roads but still being worried now that you have precious cargo in the car so you leave early.


MOTHERLY LOVE...is being okay with thinking your child is gifted when he claps his hands together when you say 'patty cake'.

MOTHERLY LOVE...is not freaking out when the dog give the baby kisses or they even share toys. He won't die!