What they never tell you!

There are actually many new mom books (some I have glanced through, some not) that are all about 'What you really need to know but no one tells you: Pregnancy, Labor, Delivery and life with your newborn'. To be honest, I am the FARTHEST thing from a 'by the book' mom. I don't own them, I don't read the, I have no interest in them. I don't think kids are 'by the book' or should be placed between two book covers. This includes pregnancy, labor, delivery, and raising kids.

While 8 months pregnant Rob and I spent some time at our local bookstore where I ventured over to the Mom and Baby section. I found one of these 'What they never tell you books' that I normally are written by a celebrity (Jenny McCartney, Tori Spelling). After skimming through the book I realized 'they' (whomever 'they' are) have really done a good job at telling me what I need to know.

For instance (warning: gore ahead) and this isn't necessarily true for me but for examples,

1. Labor and Delivery hurts. It feels like you are taking the largest poo in your life and then multiple that by 100. Yes, I knew it hurts and would feel like I expected it to feel. You are trying to push a watermelon through something the size of a grape.

2. Some women, while pushing during delivery have their own BM...that actually made total sense to me.

3. While pushing that watermelon through something the size of a grape, some women can tear. Not just a bit but a whole tear from one hole to another.

4. The last month of your pregnancy it feels like a 50 pound bowling ball is not only sitting on your bladder but on your pelvic bone and you swear there has to be a fracture in that bone.

5. The last weeks of your pregnancy it will feel like that bowling ball will fall out as you walk down the hallway.

So for me- these things were not really new. I wasn't totally surprised at all

However there are a few things someone never told me: AFTER THE FIRST YEAR!

1. You will be bent over at the waste, nearly touching your toes, at a minimum of 8 hours a day.

2. Your older infant/toddler can screech louder and longer than a group of tween age girls at a Jonas Brothers Concert.

3. You will say "NO" or "Don't touch that." about 2.25 times a second.

4. You will pee your pants when you are downstairs getting the laundry while your husband and child are upstairs when you hear a thud and a blood-hurdling scream. You know your husband is with your child but your heart will skip a beat.

5. You will sweep your kitchen floor 3 times and mop it 3 times and when it is done you will do it all over again. When you go to bed at night you will worry about the dirty/clean kitchen floor. When it is clean and you wonder how long it is going to last...you look over at your child in the high chair and see him flip his food all over the floor. That was a record- 8 seconds of cleanliness for a floor.


6. You will get sick of picking up your kid over and over and over and over...well, you get the picture. This is how my son learned to do stairs. I was sick of hauling him up and down. I decided to open the gate and tell him to figure it out (with our help of course). It took him 2 stairs and he figured out how to do it. He never once fell and now he climbs them up and down all on his own.

7. Newborn babies sleep all the time. That whole 'sleep when the baby sleeps' is bogus. Your newborn will be asleep more than you can imagine so there is plenty of time to sleep and catch up. Now in the toddler years- you do want to nap when the toddler naps. The main reason is your kid has more energy than a 12 pack of Red Bull waiting to be chugged. You will get tired quickly.

8. You can't always count on nursing to help burn the calories and pre-baby weight. If you can wait until the toddler years you shouldn't have to worry. Your toddler will be your personal trainer...now if you can only figure out a way for them to get paid for it.

9. If you have ever seen a house demolished by a tornado then you have seen a toddlers play area...(only better).

10. When table foods have started and you are planning on going to dinner there is a total plan. First, you have to go to certain places that will serve some kind of food your child can have. Chinese isn't the best. Next you have to have an appetizer for the kid (not you). It is best to bring these from home. When you sit down be prepared to order your meal immediately when giving your drink order. When you get your food- shovel fast because your kid will be crabby and itching to go in a matter of 3 minutes. You must keep all this in mind while pushing all your food and everything to one side of the table so your toddler in their high chair/booster seat can have access to 3/4 of the table.

11. You have to be very prepared for keeping a straight, firm face while sitting with your child in time out. He/She will make funny faces at you, smile, laugh, poke you in the face, try to make you laugh....but you have to stay tough and not give in.

AND most importantly, they never tell you that your kid is kind of picking his nose while posing for the family July 4th photo (hence the photo above).

I am sure there will be plenty of more 'learning' along the way. Learning things that people have never told me before about being a momma/parent. Maybe I need to become a celebrity and write my own book.