We are here....in CRISIS mode.

I will post some photos soon. We haven't been able to post for a bit sorry about that. Besides the fact that I am working off of 3....4....3...5...no....4....yes....4 computers makes things harder. We are working (work stuff) on getting them all on one computer but when you are busy finishing a client report, project managing 3 other clients, and busting ba-tootie to sell more combining info on computers takes the back seat- even though it can be a quick and easy thing.

So-besides remembering what photos of bear are on what computer (I used which ever one is in hands at the time) and just basically playing musical lap tops other events have been occurring.

My back has gotten MUCH worse. I have been staying at my moms in a recliner for a bit to get it taken care of. Yes, I know we could buy a recliner for our house but there is more to it. If I am super sick or stressed I need to be totally AWAY from the house. If I am at home even resting in bed and Rob and Bear are playing and I hear a cry I am tempted to RUSH to help. I am easily TEMPTED to mop that one kinda muddy spot. I am eager to take that small pile of clothes down 3 flights of stairs and wash them. I can't let the dishwasher wait for Rob to get home from work to empty it...I have to do it. I love my mother for enforcing such a good work ethic in my sister and I but sometimes I hate it too. When I am in pain and I do these things it will only make the back situation worse. So I have been retreating to my Mom and Tims house for a bit to stay in their recliner and be able to have help (Tim is home almost full time). Bear would come and stay but I wasn't alone and I had help.

Last Thursday I had my third Epidural Steroid Injection (ESI). It didn't take...or we do not know yet as the release of the steroid will take a few days. However, something major happened on Thursday night that sent me into complete shock with pain. Thank GOD (and I mean that literally) Rob was off of work. My mom was on her way home to take Brandon. I almost couldn't wait and was so tempted to call an ambulance. The pain was so intense that it would make my legs go out. I already had significant doses of muscle relaxers and percocet but it didn't help. I was sick to my stomach and sweating from head to toe because of the pain.

We made it to the ER (after a few bloody murder screams) and they got me in right away. The crab of a nurse made me sit in the bed and attempt to lay down- needless to say she got belted! That is what you get when you don't trust that a crying, screaming, sweating woman being held up by her husband is in pain! DUH! The Dr. came in and again tried to do the exam and he got a little slap too- sorry. He was nice though. So they needed to get my pain levels down in order for anything to happen. They started with one miligram (Dilaten something). It was stronger than morphine- MUCH stronger. It was also stronger than Fentynyl which I had when I was in labor with Brandon. I felt the immediate injection (Rob thought I was slipping away in a coma....I was loopy). I was able to stop grabbing the side of the bed and digging my nails in his skin and was able to breathe better. It didn't take as well as they wanted....they repeated this a few times. Normal amounts for this medication are a half a miligram immediately after a major surgery. They told me I had over 4 miligrams in less than an hour or so. They knew the pain was severe.
The ER doc was able to do an assessment to rule out any major neurological problem. So he concluded a few things.... 1- It was so tight and swollen to begin with that the ESI made things worse. 2- My pain doc broke through something and there could be a hematoma there- which just takes time to heal. There was some big bruising so that is what he was thinking. 3- More damage has been done to my back with another disc bulge or further tear- or a new tear. He didn't want to do an MRI until I went and saw my pain doc again...we will maybe do one this week. I was barely able to walk so Rob took me back to my moms- got me into the recliner with MORE pain meds and let me drift to sleep before him and Brandon went home.

I can't describe the pain to you...but I will try.

In 5th grade I broke a bone falling off my bike. I wish I would have broken 4 more. But the pain wouldn't be the same.

While I was delivering Brandon I didn't get pain meds until I was over 6 cm dilated. I then got my epidural at 7 or 8 cm. This was nothing compared to that pain. When I delivered him I pushed for not even 30 minutes- YES he was almost 9 pounds. I would do that whole thing all over again with quads (at each 9 pounds...make it 10) with NO pain meds. I would do that in a heartbeat compared to this pain.

I had stitches 3 times in my forehead as a little girl...when I delivered Brandon I was stitched up very well (I know TMI-sorry). I was bleeding out too fast and she had to do it with no numbing medication and I felt every poke and tug. That was NOTHING compared to this pain.

I have sprained ankles, hurt knees, had horrible migraines, and long recovery times from surgery. Put it all together and it would be less pain than this back pain!

So the plan- I am home tonight attempting to sleep and having Rob take care of me (my parents are gone for the weekend) and I don't want to be alone in this pain. I am doing okay laying in a bed with lots of pillows prompting me up. Today I was able to walk about- barely carry Brandon (yesterday was better). I did bend down a heard a pop (and felt it) and then major burning and pain throughout my lower half of my body.

My pain doc was actually on vacation all week this weekend and he has called a few times. We are getting in first thing in the morning to immediately adjust pain meds. Then we are doing a muscle branch block to see if that will help. If it works we will know within 15 minutes. If it doesn't they will dose me up with pain meds and ship me to North Memorial for 24 hours for pain control since negative results put me in this kind of pain. I am frustrated. I don't know how to live with chronic pain. My doc talked with me for a long time about chronic pain- you don't just do one procedure and take one med to get it to go away. It could take a year or more to figure out how we fix this. Surgery at this point won't help. I am not at the point where I would need it. That point is (a little icky here- so bear with me) when I can no longer walk at all. I barely would be able to feel my legs and feet or be able to move them. The other part is if I lose control of my bowels and bladder- which I don't have at all right now. (Unless I laugh too hard- then all us women have to rush to the bathroom- he he). We will be continuing with options.

In the ER on Thursday Rob was with me. He was my hero. THANK GOD HE WAS THERE! The great thing that came out of this was that we talked and talked for a couple of hours about the pain and it being a part of our family, our marriage, our parenting....etc. We both said lots of things we needed to say and share things the other didn't know about. He had a major wrist issue and surgery a few years before me and was in chronic pain for a year or so. He understands- which is nice to have help from someone that understands. My pain has taken a hit on our relationship (as well as Brandons). Right now- I can't pick up Brandon, I can't lean over to give Rob a kiss goodnight, I can't open a car door without using every muscle and screaming in pain, I can't even hold Rob's hand when we are driving in the car. When he asks me something I snap at him because all I can think about is the pain. It engulfs you like a 50 foot wave on the shore of a Hawaiian beach. It engulfs you physically- in more places than just your back- other muscles hurt from moving differently to prevent pain and protecting the damaged area. It engulfs you mentally and emotionally! It creeps into every area of your life- your finances (what do you buy to help your pain- cushions, meds, reachers). It affects your friendships and all relationships. It affects your work life. It affects your daily life- showering, cleaning, cooking. The worse it affects your time with your husband and child. I am blessed that Rob understands this and is standing by me through it. It isn't easy.

I am seeing a pain psychologist for the first time on Tuesday to vent these feelings to her. Lets see what happens. I think at the stage I am at where it is now a strong emotional and mental thing I want to be open to all options and seeing a pain psychologist might help. It isn't fair to take it out on Rob and Brandon and my family.

OK- I have to get some sleep but I will post some photos of bear soon! He's been doing great- his same old goofy self! The apple of my eye and one who can make me laugh through ANY pain!